Reentry

There’s something I’ve never fully been able to get myself to grasp that has always frustrated and frightened me. What’s even more frightening to me is that I may be so heavily influenced by the general public that I do not accept my illness as an illness but rather a weakness. It’s not. Mental illness is not a weakness. I don’t know if I am repeating that for you or me but either way it’s a good reminder.

My issues with mental illness is not actually what I wanted to talk about though. Reentry is. Reentry into the hospital. Because sometimes you just need an extra safety net! Therapists and case managers and whatever have been telling me this for a little while but it just doesn’t seem to sink in: going back into the hospital voluntarily isn’t a bad thing. I talked to you about voluntary things before. My thoughts on the subject have changed slightly. I am trying to grapple with the idea that there may be a time when I need to be in the hospital because I can’t guarantee my safety and that is not a horrible thing. That is a sign of strength, right? Spending a couple of days in the loony bin doesn’t mean that I am full fledged crazy, right? Please say yes.

The worst part is sometimes I find myself longing for the hospital. It’s just a safer place. Everything is easier and if you don’t want to deal with the outside world you don’t have to. You can say you are focusing on your mental health and that should be the most important thing. I don’t make it the most important thing but it should be because it’s very difficult to function when 90% of your time is spent thinking about death. Seriously. You can’t get anything done.

And, truth be told, I am still not fully convinced going to the hospital is a good thing. Even after all the times I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, i always end up hating myself and feeling like such a failure. I know this is not the case for everyone but it is something that I still have a difficult time grappling with, even after years of going in and out of the hospital. Even after the hospital started to seem like a strange home away from home for me.

 

Sylvia Was Here

I have started many blogs in my nineteen years of existence. One of them I titled “Locked in the Looney Bin”. Right now that is exactly how I feel: trapped in a mental hospital. If you looked at my records you would find that I am here voluntarily. But “voluntarily” no longer has the same meaning to me as it does to you. Scenario One: you are in a good day one morning and are on your way into work when you spot a coworker. Her face is flushed, her bags are all disheveled and she is holding far too many papers. You, wanting to help her, decide to hold the door open just a little while longer than you had to so she can slip by. You held the door open voluntarily, am I right?

Now, Scenario Two: You are being evaluated to see if you need to be hospitalized for mental health reasons. You are embarrassed and don’t want to be sitting in the chair. The lady interviewing you is bored with her job and it shows with each question she asks you having a predetermined answer in her mind. You don’t know this but you can tell. It’s all in the look. She has decided you are a danger to yourself and need to be admitted. You are given a form. You are asked to sign it. The form states that you will be admitted voluntarily. You mull it over. Sub-Scenario One: You don’t sign the piece of paper. You are admitted involuntary on a 72 hour time frame. During that time, you will be watched meticulously to see if you are in fact any danger at all to yourself. If you slip up, maybe say “I want to die” because you are so sick of the hospital you are stuck in you will be sectioned. Meaning you are legally required to stay for as long as a judge decides. The doctors will assume you are not working with them so everything will be ten times more difficult. Sub-Scenario Two: You sign the stupid thing. You will still be there for at least 72 hours but the doctors will feel more comfortable because they know they can take their sweet time if they need to but will try to get you out of there ASAP. If you behave well, you could probably be out of there by a week. Maybe not though. So although you sign the paper, you don’t really want to be there and it isn’t really a voluntary act.