There’s something I’ve never fully been able to get myself to grasp that has always frustrated and frightened me. What’s even more frightening to me is that I may be so heavily influenced by the general public that I do not accept my illness as an illness but rather a weakness. It’s not. Mental illness is not a weakness. I don’t know if I am repeating that for you or me but either way it’s a good reminder.
My issues with mental illness is not actually what I wanted to talk about though. Reentry is. Reentry into the hospital. Because sometimes you just need an extra safety net! Therapists and case managers and whatever have been telling me this for a little while but it just doesn’t seem to sink in: going back into the hospital voluntarily isn’t a bad thing. I talked to you about voluntary things before. My thoughts on the subject have changed slightly. I am trying to grapple with the idea that there may be a time when I need to be in the hospital because I can’t guarantee my safety and that is not a horrible thing. That is a sign of strength, right? Spending a couple of days in the loony bin doesn’t mean that I am full fledged crazy, right? Please say yes.
The worst part is sometimes I find myself longing for the hospital. It’s just a safer place. Everything is easier and if you don’t want to deal with the outside world you don’t have to. You can say you are focusing on your mental health and that should be the most important thing. I don’t make it the most important thing but it should be because it’s very difficult to function when 90% of your time is spent thinking about death. Seriously. You can’t get anything done.
And, truth be told, I am still not fully convinced going to the hospital is a good thing. Even after all the times I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, i always end up hating myself and feeling like such a failure. I know this is not the case for everyone but it is something that I still have a difficult time grappling with, even after years of going in and out of the hospital. Even after the hospital started to seem like a strange home away from home for me.